Collapsing - Eclipse Portal, Healing, and the Kali Yuga

I am collapsing. Like I never have before. It’s scary, it’s ugly, it’s uncomfortable, it’s even painful. 

I cry daily - big, heaving sobs, wailing, crumpling onto the floor crying. The sheer volume of energy that is moving through me, some mine and some collective, to be cleared, is staggering. My head aches, my belly cramps, my throat burns, my muscles tense. My sleep is inconsistent. Some mornings I can’t get out of bed. I’ve never, ever in my life experienced that. I know it can be a normal part of the human experience for many, so I’m not super concerned but it is unsettling because it’s unfamiliar to my experience. Sometimes I feel weighted to the floor by my GRIEF - grief for all the past versions of myself, for the healing I’m doing now, for the collective, for the earth, for my children, for your children, for the impossibility of being securely connected with other healing humans.

Eclipse Portal

In case you didn’t know(!) we have TWO eclipses this month. There was a lunar eclipse the night before the full moon, and there will be a solar eclipse on the new moon on March 29. Eclipses are portals for shedding - read, COLLAPSING. They invite us to release what no longer serves, making space for new timelines, new realities, new growth, new possibilities! In this energy, old programs are breaking down and the multidimensional self is awakening. I imagine the time between the two eclipses like a rainbow stretching from point A to point B, lunar eclipse to solar eclipse. And the whole time we’re under that rainbow, the energy is big! We’re living in an energetic portal. For those of you who, like me, are sensitive to cosmic energies, this is a lot to manage. Sometimes I wonder if I’m collapsing because the cosmic energies gave me a push, or if I was somehow waiting for this opportune moment… My collapsing has been going on for a good six weeks or so. And the correlation/causation doesn’t matter as much as the fact that it’s all crashing waves together in divine timing.

I haven’t shared this on my social media at all so you only know this if you’ve spent time with me in person: I got divorced recently. Before you start with the obligatory, aw, I’m sorry—it’s ok. It has been a healthy and balancing shift for my sweet, chaotic little family. We are all loving each other in our process and it’s truly ok. But for the purposes of this post, the point is that I have found myself in a container. A container of time, of solitude, of space - like I have never experienced before. I rushed into a “grown up” life when I was young, thinking that was the right thing to do. The family I co created is beautiful and sacred, and I’m so grateful. And all things are in divine timing. I need the healing portal now; I wouldn’t have been ready for it in my 20s. I need this sacred space now because I’m mature and experienced enough to recognize the value of it, and to show up to the experience; because I’ve been through a few rounds of spiritual awakening and the present version of me is powerful enough to heal the things I couldn’t before.

I over functioned for so long - my entire life from a very young child, until only very recently. My experiences in childhood taught me that achievement = love, and the things we internalize in childhood can root deeply in us and it can take a long time to gently loosen those roots. It took me until I was about 35 to uproot this belief, and I’m still working on it in some ways. I want to give myself credit for the progress I’ve made, which is substantial (thank you to the beings in my life who mirror this for me when I’m too grief stricken to see it). I took the internal drive I had to achieve, along with my “oldest daughter” personality type, and I ran with it! I did my BEST at everything, not knowing how to allow for the fact that I am a highly sensitive, superpowered, empathic, spirit centered, heart led being. I had no models for how to care for these parts of myself, which unfortunately and unintentionally resulted in me completely steamrolling them in order to live a life that looked like everyone else’s.

When life threw challenging things at me, as all our lives do, I didn’t process them. Because what I needed to do to process such heartbreaking things (see above about crumpling onto the floor crying) was not accessible to me in my over functioning state. Of course mamas with two babies can collapse, have spiritual awakenings, cry on the floor every day - yes, please, to more of that - but those doors were closed for me at that time because of my beliefs about myself. I believed that I had to achieve perfection in order to be worthy of the love of my daughters, of my family, of a higher power, and of myself. My heart breaks for that version of me; I love her so much.

But! Now! Now, I have enough SPACE, enough solitude, enough silence, and enough hard-fought WISDOM to FEEL the things I couldn’t back then. I am collapsing because I am FEELING and HEALING decades worth of pain, lifetimes worth of pain. It’s fucking HARD, to the point of feeling impossible, but… I know who I Am. And who I am is an embodiment of Shakti, the goddess power that created all the worlds. Which means I can do anything, spiritually speaking. I am an awakened soul, and I came to this embodiment ON PURPOSE. I came to earth here, and now, consciously, for the benefit of all beings, for the FREEDOM of all beings, including me.

And so I show up to this work. This work of collapsing, of feeling the biggest things (personally and collectively), and of deep healing. I allow myself to be messy, to ugly cry, to have swollen eyes, to stay home in cozy clothes, to walk on the mountain, to be held by sun and river and trees. This is what I came here to do. Even though many days I don’t recognize myself, some part of me, deep inside, knows that this is what I came here to do. Deep healing is not pretty; it’s hard and it’s painful. We must free fall into the void in order to be reborn. I’m scared every day, but I’m falling as gracefully as I can. I often catch myself resisting the free fall, the fear, the uncertainty, the discomfort. And each time I hold that part of myself gently. It’s ok that you’re scared, I know it hurts right now, but I’m here with you. You’re doing so well. I love you. And I always, always, fall back into the embrace of the Grace of the Goddess. Images of wild hair and three glowing eyes and soft black wings - and however you connect with divine energy that’s unique to you - comfort me as I cry myself to sleep.

We must free fall into the void in order to be reborn. But remember, precious one, that the void is the place from which all of creation comes. All vibrant, holy things came from the void, the cosmic womb, the fertile darkness. Many ancient traditions have various interpretations, personifications of the void and its guardians. For today I want to mention Kali Ma, fierce destroyer of the ego, cosmic ruler of time and space, and loving mother of all. Kali is the cosmic void embodied. With her dark blue or black skin she symbolizes “darkness”, but really she stays by our side while we traverse the darkness, using the sword she carries one of her four hands to destroy anything that keeps us from being free, from being our capital-S-true-Self. Please do your own research further into this topic if you feel called, or reach out to me for book recommendations on this powerful goddess.

Collective energy and the Kali Yuga

In Hindu cosmology, Kali Yuga is the fourth and final yuga (age) of a cyclical world age, characterized by conflict, darkness, and moral decline. Kali Yuga is seen as a time of increasing materialism, selfishness, and corruption, with a decline in spiritual values and righteousness. Sound familiar? Historical estimates indicate that the Kali Yuga began approximately 5000 years ago, and it’s really getting intense don’t you think?!

The Kali Yuga is one perspective on what (the fuck) is going on in the world right now. Whether it resonates for you or not, it’s evident that the collective energy of the human experience right now involves pain, fear, destruction, separation, and collapse. As a sensitive being, as an empathic being, as a medicine person, as a healer - I feel this! Maybe you do too? I have an awareness that my COLLAPSING is both personal healing work (non-duality anyone? a post for another day) and a processing of collective energy.

There are big shifts going on - cosmically, collectively, and personally. The old is shedding to make way for the new. The new paradigm, the new earth, the new timelines, a new version of me, a new version of you. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and overwhelming at times. Yes, it beautiful and hopeful. None of us are in this alone. I am here with you; I am you. So I keep going. Collapsing, expanding, whispering to myself, I love you.